fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
