shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
