if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
