there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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