I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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