All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
