connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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