My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
