just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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