capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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