I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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