Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
