your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
