Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love having hate sex.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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