My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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