I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
