she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
