I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
