You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
