Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
