His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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