just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i drank out of a bidet.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
