I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
