Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
