do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
