I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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