I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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