i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
