drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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