On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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