got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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