These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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