Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
