So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
