hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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