Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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