dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
