I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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