East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
