so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
