my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
