I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
