Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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