Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
