Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
