mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
