K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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