420 ftw
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
