If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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