You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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