btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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