hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
