I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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