her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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