My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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